


My Eternal

by shitlord



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Crack Fic, F/M, Gen, M/M, Tribute, literal trash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-20 17:50:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 6,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4796657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shitlord/pseuds/shitlord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tribute to/spoof of My Immortal, the most notorious fanfiction ever written, rewritten with Dragon Age characters.</p>
<p>I'm sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Hi my name is Katarina Anya Gwenna Leia Xena Trevelyan and I have short black hair that goes all the way down to my shoulders and a lot of people tell me I look like Steve Buscemi (if u dont know who that is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to him but I wish I was because hes a major fucking hottie. I’m a mage but my magic is hindered by my Dumat-blessed ethereal beauty. I have pale glowing white skin. I’m also an inquisitor and I live in a castle called skyhold in ferelden (i’m 27). I’m totally grunge (in case you couldn’t tell by my BLACK haIR) and I wear mostly old flannel that my dad wore in the Blessed Age. I love dumpster diving and I get all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a blue (to match my eyes which are blue like pellucid droplets) shirt that says NIRVANA and a plaidweave flannel with the sleeves rolled up to my elbows and a ring on each of my fingers. And I was wearing a short purple skirt with black leggings and boots and maroon lipstick and white foundation and black eyeliner and green eyeshadow to match the magic mark on my hand that is totally powerful. I was walking outside skyhold. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of templars stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hi Kat!” Shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Cullen Rutherford!

“What’s up Cullen?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then I heard Cassabra “Fist” Pantograst call me and I had to go away.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I got out of bed and drank a magic potion from a bottle I had. My bed was ripped denim blankets and the sheets were flannel with blood red lace on the ends. I got out of bed and took of the heavy chainmail i wear for pajamas. Instead, I put on a distressed denim jacket, a black pleated skirt, platform knee high boots, a lace bra and a black mesh crop top on. I put on 12 pairs of earrings on my pierced ears and put my hair in a kind of tangled braid.

My friend Commander Fuckface Shepard (dis is nasty bitch, d) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long ankle-length hair and opened her eyes which were green like leaves and other green stuf. She put on her camo print shorteralls and a tshirt with a sad face on it.

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Cullen Rutherford yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said blushing.

“Do you like Cullen?” she asked as we went into the main hall of skyhold.

“No I so fucking dont!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Cullen walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Pearl Jam are having a concert in Redcliffe.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love PJ. They are my favorite band, besides Nirvana.

“Wel…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

On the night of the concert, I put on my best. I wore my flannel lace up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped flannel leggings. Then I put on a distressed denim skater dress. I curled my hair into an afro with my magic powers. I felt inspired then, so I wrote a song making fun of society. I laughed to myself about it while listening to some Pearl Jam. I drank some magic potion so I was ready for the concert.

I went outside. Cullen was waiting there in front of his horse. He was wearing a Soundgarden tshirt and tight black pants and black eyeliner (a lot of kewl boiz wear it ok!).

“Hi Cullen!” I said in a pretentious voice.

“Hi Kat.” he said back. We walked to his horse (he said its name was Andraste’s Ass) and went to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Pearl Jam. We both smoked lyrium and took lyrium. When we got there we hopped off the horse. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Pearl Jam.

“Eddie Vedder is so fucking hot.” I said to Cullen, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Sudenly Cullen looked sad.

“Whats wrong?” I asked as we danced. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s okay I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Cullen sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Eddie Vedder and I don’t even know what hes saying mostly anyway.”

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Cullen. After the concert, we drank some mead and asked pearl Jam for their autographs. Cullen and I crawled back onto his horse but Cullen didn’t go back to skyhold. Instead he drove the car into…. the Hinterlands!


	4. Chapter 4

“CULLEN!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Cullen didn’t answer but he stopped the horse and dismounted it. I followed him curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked, angrily.

“Kat?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Cullen leaned in extra-close and I looked into his deep red eyes (he was wering contacts ok!) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…. suddnely just as I Cullen kissed me passionately. Cullen climed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his sword in my magical sheath and we played hide the sword for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh!” I screamed. I was beginning to get and orgasm. We started to kiss everywehre and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHER GISELLE!”

It was…………………………………… Leliana!


	5. Chapter 5

Leliana made Cullen and I follow her. She kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludicrous fools!” she shouted.

I started to cry tears of magic down my pallid face. Cullen comforted me. When we went back to the castle Lelina took us to Solus and Jossy who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the hinterlands!” she yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you medicore dunces?” asked Jsephine.

“How dare you?” demanded Solar.

And then Cullen shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

Everyone was quiet. Leliana and Jos still looked mad but Solass said. “Fine. Very well. You may go.”

Cullen and I went to our rooms while they glared at us.

“Are you okay, Kat?” Cullen asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess” I lied. I went to my room and brushed my teeth and when I came out….

Cullen was standing in front of the room and he started to sing ‘Corduroy’ by Pearl Jam. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that he said goodnight and went back to his room.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day, I ate some magic cereal with milk from the teat of a mythical mountain beast. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the magic milk spilled all over me.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair and a red streak across his nose. He was wearing so much eyeliner that it was going down his face into his beard. He looked exactly like Kurt Cobain. He was so sexy tha tmy body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only Im a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

“I’m so sorry” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. Whats your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Garrett Hawke, but most people call me Wizard these days.” He grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Becasuse I love the hot spurt of magic hitting my face.” he giggled.

“Well, I’m a mage,” I confessed.

“Really?” He whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Cullen came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Chapter 7

Cullen held my hand with the green mark on it. I waved at Wizard. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guessed he was jealous of me that I was going out with Cullen. Anyway I went excitedly with Cullen. We went to his office and locked the doors. Then….

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took of my striped bra and he took off his pants. We went on his desk and started making out naked and then he performed a holy smite on my grimoire.

“Oh, Cullen, Cullen!” I screamed while getting and organism when all of the sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Cullen’s chest. It was a dragon with the words on it saying…. Wizard!

I was so angry.

“You nug humper!” I shouted angrily jumping off the desk.

“No! No! You don’t understand!” Cullen pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking ass!” I shouted.

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stompted out. Cullen ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big sword but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I found Wizard who was having a conversation with Sloas and some other people.

“TO THE VOID WITH YOU, WIZARD HAWKE!” I yelled.


	8. Chapter 8

Everyone stared at me and then Cullen came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

“Kat, it’s not what you think!” Cullen screamed dreamily.

My friend Seeker Fist Pentagrhast gave me an understatedly look. She used to be called Candelabra Pentergast but her real name is Fist.

“What is it that you desire, ma venan!” Solace demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

“Wizard, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Cullen!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Kat was so mad at me. I had been in Kirkwald the same time Wizard was but then someone blue up the chantry.

“But I’m not with Cullen anymore!” said Wizard.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Hinterlands where I had lost my virity to Cullen and then I began to bust into tears.


	9. Chapter 9

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Cullen for cheating on me. I begant to cry against the tree where I did it with Cullen.

Then all of a suddenly, a giant man who looked like the king of all hagravens started flying towards me on a dragon! He had giant chunks of red lyrium grwoing all over him. It was…. Coryphisu!!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Cophtis shouted “FUS RO DAH” and I couldn’t move my legs.

“Fade attack!” I yodeled. Coryfiouious fell of his dragon and started to scream.

“Kat.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Wizard Hawke!”

I thought about Wizard and his sexy eyes and his goffic hair and how his face looks just like Kurt Cobain. I remembered that Cullen had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Cullen was in Kurtwall at the same time as Wizard but they didn’t actually date?

“Never, Corypius!” I shouted.

Coriphiys gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Cullen!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Cory got a dude-ur-as-dumb-as-the-ass-of-a-druffalo look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he said creuely. “And if you doth not kill Wizard, then thou know what will happen to Cullen!” Then he flew away angrily on his dragon.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Cullen came into the woods. 

“Cullen!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but i thought you were cheating on me.” I expelled.

“It’s ok” he said still depressed and we went back to Skyhold together making out.


	10. Chapter 10

I was rely scared about Coryphious all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my grunge band Plaidweave and Chains. I am the lead singer and I play the lute. People say that we sound like a cross between Pearl Jam, Nirvana, One Direction, and Pearl Jam. The other people in the band are Fist Pentigrast, Wizard, Cullen, Dorian Pravis and Varric. Only today Wizard and Cullen were sad so they weren’t coming so we wrote songs instead. I knew Cullen was taking lyrium but he wouldn’t get addicted because he was a templar and the only way you can get addicted is if you. And Wizard was probably reading a sad book like the complete works of Brother Genitivi.

We were singing a cover of ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ and at the end of the song I bust into tears.

“Kat! Are you okay?” Fist asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Corypious came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Hawke! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did live in Kirbwall with Cullen. But if I don’t kill Hawke, then Ciriphous, will kill Cullen!” I bust into tears.

Suddenly Cullen jumped out from behind a wall.

“Maker why didn’t you tell me!” he shouted. “How could you - you sexy, evil magical bitch!”

I started to cry and cry. Cullen started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Lelianne walked in angrily! Her eyes were all firey. “What have you done!” She started to cry wisely. “Kat Cullen has been found ded in his room!”


	11. Chapter 11

“NO!” I screamed. I was horrified! Fist tried to comfort me but I told her to fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Lillyanna chased after me shouting but she had to stop when I went to my room because she would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started to cry tears of red lyrium. The magic got all over my clothes so I took them of and hopped into the bath angrily while I put on an Alice in Chains song on full volume. I got out of the bath and put on a black and grey striped sweater and black leather pants. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed. Solaris was spying on me and Blackwall was masticating!

“EW! YOU FUCKING PERVS!” I screamed.

Suddenly Wizard ran in.

“Hawke to the rescue!” he yelled at Solas and Brickwall. I took my gun and shot Solap and Batwall like a gazillion times and they started to scream in pain. Solases egg shaped haid exploded like an egg being shot by a gun. It fell to the floor like a cracked egg.

“Well shit.” the egg said.

Suddenly, Leliana ran in. “Kat, it has been revealed that someone has -- NOOOOOO!” She shouted looking at Batman and Silas and then suddenly….

Varick ran outside and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know Varric! You’r ejust a little dwarf!”

“I may be a dwarf….” Varric paused angrily. “But I am also a daedra worshipper! HAIL SITHIS!”

“This cannot be.” solas said in a crisp voice. “There must be other factors.”

“You don’t HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

“Why are you doing this?” Blkwll asked, rubbing his hands on his dirty beard.

“BECAUSE…. BECAUSE….” Varric said. “Because I LOVE HER!”


	12. Chapter 12

“NOOOO!” I though it was Varric but it was Wizard. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOO!!!”

I stopped. “How did you know?”

“I saw it! I had a vision of what was happening to Cullen…. Coryphiousk has him bondage! He had him tied up wearing a leather mask and paddling his butt over and over again.”

Anyway I was at the healer tents tending to my broken heart. Sulas and Blackwell and Varic were there too. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Varrac came to me with a bouquet of flowers.

“Kat I need to say something.” he said in a very serious voice.

“Fuck off” I told him.

“I saved your life!” he yelled angrily.

“No you didn’t I replied.”

Anyway when I got better I went to my room and put on a plaideweave sweater.

“You look so kawaii gurl.” Fist said.

“You do too.” I said too.

I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Solas and Blackwall couldn’t spy on me this time. I went on some short quests. Wizard, Sera anf Blickwall went with me to take care of buisness. Wizard looked all sad because Cullen had disappeared and he used to be in love with Cullen.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I said equallyw.

We both looked at each other for some time. Hawke had beautiful eyes like so much like Cullens. Then we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY CHILLEN.!” shouted blackbald who was watching us and so was Sara.

“Wizard you fucker!” I said splashing him. “Stop trying to get me, YOu know I love Cullen!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. “NOOOO!”

“NOF!” I ran up closer.

“Coriphous has Cullen bondage!”


	13. Chapter 13

Wizard and I ran upstaris looking for LIleana. We were so scared.

“Leily! Lallan!!” we yelled. She came.

“What do you want now, blessed andraste’s bosoms?” she asked angrily.

“Coryfious has Cullen!” we shouted at the same time.

She laughed in an evil voice.

NO! Don’t! WE need to save Cullen!” we pleaded.

“No way.” she said. “I don’t care waht happens to Cullen. Not after how much truble he caused for the inqustaorn especially with YOU KAT! Besaids I never liked him anyway.” then she walked off. Hawke started crying.

“Pull yourself together Wizard Hawke!” I tried to tell him but he didn’t stop. Then he had a brainstorm. “I have an idea!” he exclaimed.

“What?” I asked.

“You’ll see.” he said and used his staff to teleport us to corys lair.

We ran in with our dicks in our hands just as we heard a voce.

It was…. Coriphyous!


	14. Chapter 14

WARNING: SOME OF THIS CHAPTER IS VARY SCRAY. VIWER EXCRETION ADVISED.

We ran to where Coryfuss was. It turned out that Corymifous wasn’t there. INstead another guy was. Cullen was there crying tears of lyrium. Samson was torturing him. Wizard and I ran in front of Simpson.

“Rid my sight you despicable mages!” he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun. Then he looked at me and fell down with a lovey dovy look in his eyes.

“Kat I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Samson. I started laughing crudely. “What the fuck? You torture my bf and expect me to fuck you? I almost fell for it!” Then I stabbed him in the heart like a shadow of a knife wearing a hat.

“No!” He screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down an died. Then I brust into tears.

“Sams club what art thou doing?” Coryphsou called. Then…. he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking. So we went backto skyhold. We went to my room. Wizard went away. Then I started crying.

“What’s wrong sonny?” asked Cullen taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a huge sword. He took it off and revealed his even bigger sized you-know-what.

His man root.

His pulsating male organ.

His penis.

“It’s so unfair!” I complained. “Why can’t I be ugly or plain like Jossie or Fist!”

“Why would you want to be ugly?”

“Everyone is in love with me! LIke Solar and Brickbell. BArric says he’s in love with me. Wizard likes me and now even Samson loves me! But I killed him so that doesn’t matter i guess lol. I just wanna be with you okay Cullen! Why couldn’t the maker make me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. “I’m good at too many things! WHY CANT I JUST BE NORMAL? ITS A CURSE!” I shouted and then ran away.


	15. Chapter 15

“Kat! Kat!” Cullen shouted. “No please come back!”

But I was too mad.

“Whatever! Now you can go have sex with Wizard!” I shouted. I stormed to my room and locked the door. I started to cry and weep!

I put on a black torn up dress with APOSTATE written in blood red letters across my tiddies. I went to the main hall feeling all sad. Suddenly Cullen appeared!

“Kat I love you! I don’t care if you are beautiful I thin you are beautiful to me!” Then he started to sing ‘Angry Chair’ right in front of everyone!

“OMFG!” I said when he was done. “I love you!” then we were making out. Then we went away holding hand. Blackwall shouted at us but stopped when he realized he had no chance. Then I saw a poster that said Pearl Jam was playing in Crestwood. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went together.


	16. Chapter 16

We ran happily to Crestwood. We ran to the stage happily. Pearl Jam were playing ‘Hunger Strike’. I was so fucking happy! Eddie Vedder looked even sexier than he did in da pictures! Even Cullen thoughts so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn’t matter cuz i knew now that we were the only ones ment for eachother. Anyway we started moshing. We orlaied (an if u dont know thats an orlessian style kiss den get out of here!). We ran up to the front of the band to stage dive. Suddenly, Eddie Vedder pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was………………. Coriphiss and the red templurs!

“wtf Cullen I’m not going to a consert with you!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened last time? Even fi it is Pearl Jam u know how much i like them.”

“What cause we…. you know….” he sais uncomfortbhly because chantry boys don’t likke to talk about that.

“Yeah cause we YOU KNO” I yielded in an angry voice.

“We don’t do that again” Cullen promised. “This time were going with an ESCORT”

“OMFG WTF are you giving into the mainstream?” I asked. “So are you a yuppie now! Or like some andrastian?!”

“YES” he muttered loudly.

“Are you becomng a yuppy now or what!” I shooted angrily.

“Kat! You know I am! Now come with me!” He fell down to his knees and began to sing a grunge version of a rap song.

I was flattened cause that’s not even a single, he had memorized the lyrics for me!

“Ok then i guess i’ll have to now” I said and then we orlesianed our faces together. Tehn I went to my room.

Fist was standing there. “BTW Commander Fuckface Shepard was kicked out of the inquisitor because they are meant to be in a different game.”

“Serves that bich right” I laughed angrily.

So anyway we listended to some music and talked to each other in silence for the rest of the day.

“Oh btw I’m going to a concert with Cullen in crestwoop tonight. I need 2 wer something hott.”

Fist nodded energeticlly. “OMHG gurl lets go shopping.”

“Dumpster diving rite?” I asked getting my speciael stick for picking thru trash.

“NOPe” Fist said.

“What?” My head spunning. I couldn’t beleave it. “Fist are you ANDRASan?!”

“Yes of course i am!” she laughed.

Anyway we got some clothes at a shop in orlay. The salesman was hotter OMG than Eddie VEDDER excapt not because that s impoSSIBLE.

“We only have these for the real mages.” he sed.

“Tha REAL mages?” we asekd.

“Yah u wouldnt beleive how many posers are here! Yesterday Brackwalk and Soulp tried to buy something and theyre not REAl mages.” Then the samesleman saw the outfit i was trying on (a sexi dress) and said. “OMD (oh my dumat) you need to buy that dress”

“Yeah it looks ttly hot gurl!” Fist said.

“U kno what i am going to give it to you free cuz u look so hot. hey are u gonna be at the concert tonight?” the sales man ask.

“Yes i am actuly” i said. “oh btw my name is Katarina Anya Gweena Leia Xena Trevelyan whats yours?”

“Seth Daris.” He said. “mabey I’ll see you there tonite.”

“Yeah I don’t think so cuz i’m going there with Cullen you sick perv!” I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Varrik came in looking worried. “Kat u need to come back to skyhold NOW!”


	17. Chapter 17

Sethius Amladaris gave us some clothes and stuff 4 free. Then Virrac kept shooting at us to come back 2 skybald. Well anyway Commander Shepard came. Varic came away angrily.

“Hey bitch u look kawaii” she said.

“Yah but not as kawai as u” I aids sadly cuz Shepard is pretty and everything. 

“So r u going to tha consert with Cullen?” she asked.

“Yah.” I said. happily.

“I’km going with Dorian” she said ahppily. Well anyway Cullen and Dorian came. They were both lokking extremely hot an sexii. Fist was going with Iron Bull and Sera. WEll anyway we went 2 the consert. We all rode in a carriage and did coke, pot, crak, lyrium and pepe. Cullen and I made out. Soon we got there…. i gasped.

Eddie Vedder was the sexies boy eva! Suddenly he puled off his mask. Everyone ran away but not me and sweet bby Cullen. Cullen and I came. It was Cariphimus and the rad temples.

“U deranged puppies!” he shooted angrily. “Kat i told u to kill Wizard Hawke. Thou hath failed. And now I shall kill thou and Cullen!”

“NO no plz.” we begged but he took out a knife.

Suddenly leleana Came! She had a bigger knife and scared Coyhpis away. it was………….. Liliannna!


	18. Chapter 18

Well anyway I woke up and went down to the great hall of sykhlod. Fist and Shepard were sit at a table. I joined them. Wizard Hawke, Cullen, and Iron Bull came. We started to talk about who was sexier Solar or Scara (geddit?? cuz sera iz scray!). The boiz joined in cuz they are bi.

“They both are hot” Cullen said.

We went on a quest. Cullen and I were holding hands. Wizard looked jealous. I could see him crying lyrium in a sad way but i didn’t say nothing.

I was so fucking angry.


	19. Chapter 19

All day I was angry. Thinking about anger.

Well I had one good thing to looking forward 2, the Pearl Jam consert! it had been postponed.

Anyway, I went into the main hall to avoid everyone in skyhdol. Cullen was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad at me and starting crying all hot ans sexy and angsty (arent bi guys so hot??).

“NO one fuckign understands me!!” he shouted angrily.

“Accuse me? What about moi!” I growled.

“But-Butt-Ass!” he grunted

“You fucking basterd!” i moaned.

“No wait! It’s not what it fcuking looks like!” he shouted.

But it was to late. I knew hwat I herd. I ran 3 the bathroom angrily . Cullen banged on the door. I wepped and whepped. I took out a cigar of lyrium and put it in my butthole 4 the fastest way to get high.

Suddenly Vraric came.

“You gave me a fucking shock!” I shouted angrily dropping the sigar from my pooper. “Wtf do you think u r doing in the ladies laboratory!”

“What are u wearing to the concart?”

“You know Pearl Jam?” I begged.

“No i just heard about it.” He explessed. “Anyway Cullen has a surprise for u.”


	20. Chapter 20

All day I wondered what the surprise was. Pearl Jam was going to do the consert again since Coayfous ruined the last one. I danced to nirvana all night in my room all excited. Suddenly someone knocked on my door and i got all mad and turned the mosaic off but scaredly hoped it was Cullen so we could bang again.

“What the fucking hell are you doing.” I asked angrily. It was Balklaw! “R u gonna come try to have sex with me or somethin!” I yelled. Leliana said to be careful around him and Silors because they r in luv with me.

“No actually i came to borrow some condems.” He groweld angrily.

“yeah so you could fuk urself huh?” I shouted in is farce.

“Fuker.” He said going away.

Well anyway, I put on some underwear. Then i went. I gasped…. Solas and Blackwall were in the middle of the empty hall, doin it, and Cole was watching!!1

“Andraste’s sweet tits you asshole!” they shouted when they saw me. Cole ran away crying. They got up tho. NOrmally I would have been turned on (I luv seeing guys do it) but both of them were old men. It was like a huge black bear pounding into a smooth hairless gazelle. ONly old men and sweaty nutsacks everywehre gross.

“WTF is that why u wanted condoms?” I asked sarcastically.

“Only u wouldn’t share!” Backsweat said.

“Well you shoulda told me!” I shouted.

“Bellanaris din’an heem!” Scoliosis began to short at me.

Well anyway I went outside. And there was Wizard Hawke, looking extremely fucking hot.

“WTF where’s Cullen?”

“Oh he being a fuckin bastard he told me he woulnt cum” Wizard said shaking his head. “You wanna come with me to the consert?”

Then he showed me his flying horse. I gasped. It was a black horse.

…..I gasped.

We flew to the consert hall. Pearl Jam wer there, playing.

Wizard and I began 2 make out, moshing to the music. I gasped looking at the band.

I almost had an organism. Eddie Vedder was so fucking hot! He began to sing Angry Chair and his sexy beautiful voice began to fill the air of the music hall. …….And then I heard someone sobbing. I turned and saw Cullen, crying tears of red lyrium in a corner.


	21. Chapter 21

Later we all went to the skuhold. Cullen was crying in the great hall. “Cullen are you okay?” I asked in a grunge voice.

“No I’m not you fukin bitch!” he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place. I stated to cry becuz I was afraid for his life.

“Its okay Kat” Said Wizard. “I will make him feel better.”

“You mean you’ll go fuck him wont you!” I shouted angrily. Then I ran to get Cullen. Wizard came too.

“Cullen please come!” he began to cry. Tears of lyrium came down his face. I was so turned on because I love sensitive bi guyz.

And then…. we herd some footseps! Wizard made us invisiblar with his magicks. We saw the horsemaster dennet with his horse. 

“WHOSE THERE!” he shouted angrily. He saw his horse. The horse saw us and began to caw.

“IS ANY1 THERE!” he yelled.

“No fuk u ugly little bich!” Wizard said under his breath in a disgusted way.

“EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED THAT!” dennett said. Then he heard his horse say “There are some mages hiding right there.” in a sexy voice.

“Is there some mages hiding under an invisible spell?” asked denat.

“YEs” whispered the horse.

And then. Wizard kissed me! He did it just as….. horsbastard Denneet revealed us, stripping away our inbisivitiy!

“WHAT!” he yelled but it was 2 late cuz we were running away from him. And then we saw Cullen outside of skyheld cryin and busting in tears.

“Cullen!” I sooted. “Are u okay?”

“I guess though!” Cullen weeped. We went to the table frenching each other. Cullen an I decided to watch Salad paint (c isnt that borin). Suddenly! my eyes rolled into my head and I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door Canseler Rodick and the Champty entered Skyweld!!


	22. Chapter 22

All day everybone talked about the Chetrny. Well anyway, I woke up the next day. Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me were…… Fist, Wizard, Dorian, Cullen, Iron Bull, and Commaber Shpard.

“OMFG” I yielded and jumped up. “Why are the fuck you all here?”

“Kat something is really fucked up” Cullen said.

“OK but i need to put my fuckin clothes on first.” I said angrily.

“It’s all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful.” Cullen said in a sexy voice.

“OH all right” I said. “But you need to stop being so erective.”

“I will I will” he said.

Then I came and we all went outside to the great hall of skyhold and looked in from a window. Inside the hall we could see Lilianna. Champion Rodick was yelling at Lilian. Meredith from Dragon Age 2 was there too.

“THIS CANNOT BE!” she shouted angrily. “THIS INGQISTPR BUST BE CLOMSED!”

“The Coriphass is planning to KILL EBERY1!!” yelled Captain Redick!

“U R NOT FIT TO BE THE SPymASSTER anymaor!” yalled Meredath.

“VAry well,” sead Lelianna. “But we canno’t close the inqupitons. There is only one person capalbe of killing Coriphiouw in the inquistan and that is……. Kat.”

Everyone stared….. I gasped.

Everyone gasped.


	23. Chapter 23

The door opened and Meredeath and Chanshitlor Rodrake stomped out angrily. Then Liliann and Meredeath sawed us.

“MS. TREVELYAN WHAT R U DOING!” she shooted angrily. LIlianna glared at her.

“Oops she meant come in my sweetlings,” she corrected.

Well we all came in angrily. So did everyone else in the Inquisition. I sat between Shepard and Cullen and opposite Fist. I drank some magic malk. Then I heard someone shouting angrily. I looked behind me it was…. Wizard! He and Cullen were fighting each other.

“Wizard, Cullen WTF?” I asked. Angrily.

“You fucking nug-nut!” shouted Cullen at Hawke. “I want to shit next to her!”

“NO I do!” he shouted.

“No she doesn’t like you!” Cullen yealled!

“No fuck you she luvs me not you!” shouted Wizard Hawke. And then…. he jumped on Cullen! and they started to fight and beat up each other.

Leleana yelled at them but they didn’t stop. All of a sudden…. a terrible man flew into skyhald with his dragon…. Wizard and Cullen stopped fighting…. I stopped drinking…. Everyone gasped…. It was……….. Coriphaous!

“Kat… Kat….” he called in a raspy vace evally. “Thou haveth failed ur mission. Now I sahll kill thou and I shall kill Wizard as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Cullen too!”

“Plz dont make me kill him plz!” I begged.

“No!” he laughed in my face. “Kill him or i shall kill him anyway!” Then he flew away laughing.

I bust into tears. Cullen and Wizard came to comfort me. Suddenly my eyes rooled up into my head. I had a vision of Cariypuus killing Cullen in a sad way.

“NO!” I screamed sexily. Suddenly I stopped having the vision. 

“Kat, Kat are you alright?” Cullen asked. 

“Yeah yeah” I said sadly.

“Everythings alright Kat” said Wizard all sensitive.

“No it’s not!” I shouted. Tears of BLUE lyrium ran down my face. “OMFG what if i’m getting posessed and turnin into an abombinatkon!”

“It’s okay gurl” Sais Fist. “Maybe u should ask Vivienne about the visions.”

“Okay bich”. I said sadly and then we went.


	24. Chapter 24

Well I went to see Vivienne and she was looking sexi as always.

“What is it Kat?” she asked.

“Well I have some things to talk 2 u about. When do u have time?” I asked angrily.

“How about now?” she asked.

“ok” I sed. “Ok i’m having lots of visions. I’m afraid Cullen is going to die.”

Well she gave me a crystal ball to look into. I looked at it.

“What do u c?” she asked.

I said “I see Cullen and he looks sexy af.”

“Okay u can go now, c ya cunt” Said Vivienne waving.

“Bye bich.” I said waving.

I went to Cullen and Wizard was sitting next to him. We both followed Cullen together and I was so exihibitionist.


	25. Chapter 25

I was so excited. I followed Cullen wandering if we were going to do it again. We went outside and we went to Cullen’s horse.

“Kat wtf did Vivienne say” he whispered putting his hand on mines.

“She said she would tell me what the visions meant 2morrow” I repelled in a sexy voice. He took out some lyrium and spiked it and gave me some to spoke. We climbed to the top of a tree and Cullen began to sing Pearl Jam. 

We stared to talk each others clothes off fevently. Then…. he put his you know what in my you know where. (its for my pussy)

“OMFG Cullen! Cullen!” I screamed having an organimagon. We started orlesianing passivley. Suddenly…. I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it a guy was shooting two mens. 

“No! Plz don’t fucking kill us!” they screamed but he keept shotting and then he ran away.

“No oh my fucking dumat!” I shouted in a scared voice.

“Kat whats wrong?” asked Cullen all concerted.

I started to cry tears of pain down my face. I told Cullen to call Wizard which he did. But the worst thing was the people who was shooted in my dream were…. Solad and Blickwell!


End file.
